Things get tense amongst the PPTH MSTers when Cuddy forces them to express their feelings and they are faced with a spirituality-laced crack!fic. Can Chase come back from hair envy? Can House head off a Cameron/Wilson bitch fight? So many questions.
Foreman: Uh, not to be rude – but isn’t this a Diagnostics-only thing?
House: Wilson’s here for moral support. If I have to suffer through this team-building workshop, he’s going to suffer right alongside me.
Wilson: Thanks for dragging me into this.
Chase: It’s not as if you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart, House…
Cameron: We know you forced Cuddy to let you off 10 hours of clinic duty for this.
House: But kindly Uncle Greg didn’t forget about the rest of you – oh, no! Cameron gets a whole afternoon of talking about feelings and bonding; Wilson gets to wallow in her neediness; Chase and Foreman… okay, you’ll hate it. It’s a cruel world.
Marcy: Everyone! Welcome – let’s gather round and take our seats people. Hi, I’m Marcy, your team-building workshop mediator here at the World of Bonding. Go-oh team!
Ducklings: *shoot hateful looks at House*
Wilson: *whispers to House* World of Bond–
House: The faster you shut up the sooner this will be over.
Marcy: *squinting at House’s name-tag* Dr, uh, McQueen, do you have something to share with us before we start?
House: *glares silently*
Marcy: Right-o! Our first exercise is all about learning something that’s so important in a team, how to criticise constructively.
House: *hits Wilson in the shin with cane*
Marcy: Ok-ay, let’s get started. Here we have a beautiful story that someone has lovingly crafted, but perhaps there are helpful ways in which we can encourage the author to make their work even better. I’m going to go ahead and put it up on the overhead projector; let’s all read it together as a team.
Cameron looked down into the azure blue of the ocean beneath her.She remainedas still as the rock on which she stood, overlooking the waters off Oahu.She was at Kaena Point, a place that the natives called `The Jumping Off Place"
House: How I wish I were there now.
Cameron: Why did I go all the way to Hawaii to chicken out of suicide?
Foreman: And why are ‘the natives’ into mixing their single and double quotation marks?
because they believed that this is where lost souls departed the island from.Fitting, she thought to herself.But as tempted as she was to throw herself into the blue abyss something held her back.She lifted her gaze to the blue of the sky and suddenly knew what it was. All this blue, she thought to herself...his eyes, his eyes were all around her.
Wilson: They felt kind of squishy.
She knew instinctively that he wouldn't want her to do this.
House: Actually, I really would.
Cameron: *smacks House playfully*
Marcy: Let’s express ourselves using words, rather, Dr. Cameron. I’m sure Dr. McQueen has some unique insights that we could learn from.
Her knees buckled under her until she couldn't stand anymore.She was overwhelmed with grief and longing.Of course her legs would give out on her, she thought to herself.Or was it something more?
House: The rock loves you so much its holding onto your feet. It’s weeping stony little tears.
Cameron: Thank you for your unique insight, McQueen. I would hate for me to have to make you weep.
House: Ooh, feisty!
Wilson: Can we just concentrate on the story, please?
He heard the whisper in his ear.
Wake up Gregory, wake up now...
House: Calling me Gregory is not much of an inducement for me to wake up.
The voice was commanding yet soothing.He opened his eyes and took in his surroundings.All around him was the color white.As white as the lab coat that he had always refused to wear.But he wasn't in a room.Andhe wasn't outdoors either.He was...nowhere.
Wilson: All that nothingness – so reflective.
Foreman: Right, so House is in time but not space. I’m going to go out on limb here and say that general relativity passed this bad!fic author by.
Marcy: But there’s a lot to say about the beauty of their unique personal vision, isn’t there?
Chase: The lack of spaces after the full-stops is certainly unique.
Cameron: You don’t read much bad!fic, do you?
Oh you are somewhere Greg.No one is never nowhere.
Wilson: The double negative – deadliest of the grammatical idiot-traps.
"Oh now we're buddies so you're calling me Greg?"he said out loud.
Wilson: Yes, because all your buddies call you Greg.
Cameron: I call him Greg.
Wilson: He hates being called Greg!
Cameron: Not when I say it.
House: *smirking* Claws in, kittens.
What kind of crap is this?House thought to himself.For once he was almost at a loss for words.Almost.
"First of all I don't like white and secondly I don't like playing hide and seek.Unless of course you are some gorgeous blonde getting ready to ravage me."
"Come out come out wherever you are...."House spun around, "You aren't playing fair."
Chase: And House is all about playing fair.
Foreman: Not like you, rich boy.
Chase: Oh, yes, poor little Harvard grad!
Marcy: Now I don’t want to be too judgemental, but I’m picking up on some tension dynamics in this team.
Cameron: It’s almost as if you can read our minds.
Marcy: *blushes* Ever since I was a child I’ve had this gift of sensitivity.
House: As I child I was blessed with the gift of frankness, and I –
Wilson: Look over there! It’s, uh, a famous jazz pianist… *trails off; winces*
House: Dude, you’re a philistine.
He stopped dead in his tracks.Two thoughts emerged nearly simultaneously;one was the fact that if he could stop that meant that he had been going which also meant that he had been walking
Marcy: The author has clearly put a lot of thought into this.
House: Which is a pity, because they don’t think very well.
and two, the dead part was more accurate than how he initially meant it.How many times did he tell patients and his own staff that there is nothing on the other side of death.The thought hit him so hard that if he had been breathing it would have taken his breath away.
Foreman: My neurology-sense is tingling.
Chase: He’s got a brain that he’s thinking with, but he’s not breathing.
Cameron: He is walking, though; through nowhere.
Wilson: So his muscles are working, but just not his lungs.
Cameron: Wonder if all his muscles are working…
Chase: Wish my ears weren’t working.
House: *leers at Cameron*
He sat down (on what he wasn't sure)
Foreman: But it definitely wasn’t extended in space.
and ran his hands over his body.Yep, everything was intact, he was still him right down to the stubble on his face.He brought back the last memory he had.His crew was standing over him.He looked up at Cameron.She was crying.
Wilson: Isn’t she always?
Cameron: At least I don’t have foppish hair.
Chase: *laughing* Foppish!
Chase: Of course not! *sulks*
She held his hand and stroked his cheek and he had wished to hell that he could have felt it.They still hadn't figured out what was wrong with him and he was totally helpless to lead them on the hunt.He couldn't move, couldn't speak, could barely even blink and then finally he couldn't breathe.He saw Cameron place her hand on his chest feeling each labored breath he took.
House: Perhaps she should have taken her heavy hand off the dying man’s chest, then.
Cameron: And where were you as House lay dying, Wilson? Perhaps Tritter was having a two-for-one day…
Wilson: Don’t go there, Dr. Bambi.
He knew that there was nothing left for them to do except watch his suffering.He wasn't angry at them, he knew they had done everything they could do.
House: …everything except actually cure me! I would be trying to summon every ounce of strength so that I could smite you three before I died.
Cameron: Smite us? I’m almost beginning to regret comparing you to god. Almost. *bats eyelashes*
He was beyond hope now.
Foreman: Only now?
House: You know, a Diagnostics team doesn’t really have to have a neurologist on it…
All encompassing panic took hold but he was unable to convey it except through his eyes.
Wilson: He could hardly blink but he could still convey all-encompassing panic through his eyes?
Cameron: *dreamily* His eyes are so expressive.
Wilson: That’s it! You and me outside, now, toothpick!
Cameron: Oh, you so did not just go there, pudge-boy!
Wilson: Believe it, Tinkerbell.
Cameron: You are so dead. *cracks knuckles*
House: Hey, hey, simmer down, kids. Cameron, admittedly your ass looks particularly luscious in those tight little pants…
Cameron: *looks nauseatingly smug*
Wilson: *slumps in chair*
House: …but my heart will always belong to Wilson. *pokes Wilson affectionately in the stomach* Hey, now I can’t run any more, we can be podge-pals.
Wilson: *perks up*
Cameron: *bursts into tears*
Marcy: See there, everyone – what Dr. McQueen just did? He took a situation where emotions were getting the better of his team and he gently diffused the conflict.
All except Marcy and House: *eyeroll*
Marcy: Why don’t we all share how we feel about this?
Wilson: I’m feeling pretty good, actually.
House: *waggling eyebrows* You could be feeling ever better.
House/Wilson: *start with the eye!sex*
Marcy: Uh, right, perhaps we should get back to reading the story.
Cameron saw it, so did the rest as they stood helplessly by.His lungs, stiff and unmoving were not able to be filled by even artifical means."No" he heard Cam sob as she returned his desperate gaze.
Cameron: *bitterly* That wasn’t a sob, it was a sigh. I’m hoping he dies soon so I can leave early to go shopping.
His body was on fire with the pain of death.
Chase: He couldn’t even feel Cameron touching him earlier, but he can feel the fiery pains of death?
Cameron: You know, I think this story is under-rated. I’m not sure it is bad!fic after all.
Wilson: *Puts arm around protectively around House*
His lungsThey watched his chest become still and the EKG machine flatline.And finally his blue eyes closed forever.
Foreman: Not that he needs eyes if he can watch stuff with his lungs.
We are sorry you had to suffer like that Greg.Let the memory go, you are home now.
"Home?"he muttered, "pardon me but this doesn't look anything like my home"
House: The hookers are conspicuously absent, for one.
Here, will this make you feel better?
At his feet was his cane.House almost laughed at the irony of it.
Chase: In the end, though, he decided not to laugh, since it really wasn’t all that ironic.
He reached down and picked it up, felt it's familiar weight in his hands and somehow it DID bring him comfort.He smiled.
House: Yes, reminding me of the hellish pain and disability brought on by my infarction has always been a sure fire way to cheer me up.
Wilson: *nuzzles House’s shoulder* Perhaps I could cheer you up?
`Thank you" he found himself saying as he used it to lift himself to his feet.
He felt remarkably well.So well in fact that he began to feel a touch of anger at not having felt this way in life.
"So a person has to die to feel alive?"
Foreman: This might have been a slightly better place to slot in that irony comment.
he muttered to himself shaking his head in the process."Where am I anyway?" the thought was immediately met with a response.
You are were you always expected to be.This is your idea of the afterlife Greg.It is what you always expected to find.
"But there is nothing here!" he yelled out to his invisible companions.
House: Wilson, this must be your god. Mine’s too into the forgiveness and love stuff to taunt me about my leg and play semantics with me.
Cameron: *makes a face at Wilson behind House’s back*
Wilson: Better stop that – House is watching you with his lungs.
The realization hit him hard.He understood what they meant.He didn't believe in an afterlife so consequently there was no pearly gates, no tunnel of light, no `anything.'Essentially he got exactly what he wanted.
Foreman: Actually, he got only what he believed – I have a feeling what he wants from the afterlife is a lot more debauched.
House: *singing* All I want is a room somewhere…
Wilson: *joining in*…far away from the cold night air.
House/Wilson: Oh, wouldn’t it be lov-e-ly! *start making out*
Cameron: That’s the final straw! *stalks out*
Marcy: But Dr. Cameron –
Chase: My mum used to sing that song to me when she was drunk… *starts crying; stumbles out*
Marcy: Dr. Chase!
Foreman: Thank you, Marcy. I for one learnt a lot about feelings this afternoon. *exits*
Marcy: Dr. Wilson? Dr. McQueen?
House/Wilson: *continue making out*
Marcy: I, uh… *gives up and leaves them to it*